it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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