In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is Oprah even human
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
