I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
