so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
