Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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