I wish my penis had an off switch
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
