Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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