i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You did what with his pubic hair?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
