So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
