I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The Olympian is in my bed
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
