I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
