The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
