We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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