whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They have beer where we have blood.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
