I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
