Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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