My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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