Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
