Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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