shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
