You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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