The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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