textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
