I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
