It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
