I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
