I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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