I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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