My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
