grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
