the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
