I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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