Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My cat gives me a boner
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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