I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
