I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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