Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
