I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This house was built for laser tag.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
is that a dick in a sweater?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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