I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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