I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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