careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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