Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My penis needs a shock collar
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
