Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
