I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
