either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
