Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize