New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
