I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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