Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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