Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
True strength comes from lack of pants
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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