She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
