you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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