I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
