my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
