I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
