I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
