I am midnight drunk by noon
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
