eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's shark week go big or go home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
