I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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