also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize