Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
