great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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