So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
