My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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