Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
