a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
