He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
