I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize