$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
