If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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