i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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