he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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