Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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