I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
