Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
