i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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