So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
