So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
