Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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