I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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